Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum

Year 1, Lesson 10: A Maintained and Healthy Garden - Withstanding Peer Pressure from the Community

`Time Needed: 45 minutes`

Garden Images:

African woman bending over a garden with a gardening tool — Africa

Latin American woman sitting in garden, gathering vegetables — Latin America & the Caribbean

South Asian woman working in a garden, holding a plant — Asia

Index

Teacher Preparation

Objectives

The caregiver will be able to:

Hear a story about how the Babylonians pressured Daniel to conform.
Explore how a community and culture can resist changes that are beneficial for children and families.
Identify unhealthy heart issues related to power, control, and judgement that lead communities to criticize and pressure other parents.
Explore how to both respect other parents and resist pressure to conform to them.

Materials

Chalkboard and chalk
Notebook

Preparation

Read the lesson and reflect on how to teach it wisely.
Skim previous lesson. Prepare to have a quick review at the beginning of class.
Review the story in this lesson about early marriage for girls. If in your context parents do not arrange marriages for young girls, change the details in the story to better match issues in your community.

Introduction

5 minutes

In our previous lesson, we explored how our family of origin affects the way we parent in our family today.

What are ways our childhood might affect us today? Accept answers. Possible answers are: Through positive traditions and habits. Through patterns of abuse and neglect.
What is one key thing that Jesus recommends we do to break family patterns? We can forgive as we have been forgiven.

In today’s lesson, we will explore in greater depth how to love our children well, even when it means displeasing others.

To begin, think of an example when you were fairly certain it was right to do something, but you knew that others would disapprove.

What did you think, how did you feel, and how did you act? Give the participants a minute to reflect on the question before sharing responses. Accept all responses. Some possible answers are:
- Thoughts: I do not wish to offend the other person; perhaps I am wrong; it is wrong for me to think for myself, etc.
- Feelings: Self-doubt; trapped; angry; perhaps courageous; rebellious, etc.
- Actions: Do or not do what you thought was right; try to hide the decision or try to manipulate or convince others to agree.

It is difficult to make independent choices from those around us, especially when it comes to raising our children.

With a partner, discuss this question: why is it particularly difficult to make independent choices about raising children? Encourage the participants to consider what really happens in communities around parenting, especially when people choose to do things differently. How do people actually respond?

After the partners have discussed, ask them to share their ideas. Explore together how people routinely gossip about other parents or openly shame, criticize or condemn the parents and children. Acknowledge that communities are a powerful force in how we raise our children.

New Ideas

15 minutes

The Bible shares the story of four young men who were taken captive and brought to Babylon after the country had defeated theirs. The new ruling king chose the wisest and handsomest of the young captives to be trained to serve in his palace, including Daniel and his 3 friends. Not only did the king want to train the young men’s minds, he also wanted their bodies to be healthy. Unfortunately, the king’s ideas regarding healthy eating opposed how God had directed the Jewish people to eat safely and wisely. Who was right? Sometimes we find it difficult to discern what is right when cultural ideas collide, even when we seek to follow God’s leading.

In this case, Daniel bravely proposed to the king that he and his friends would only eat vegetables and water for 10 days. Afterwards, if they appeared as healthy as other young men, the king could make the final decision as to whether to allow them to eat according to their beliefs. Here is what happened:

Daniel 1:1-21

15 After the ten days Daniel and his friends looked healthy and well fed. In fact, they looked better than any of the young men who ate the king’s food. 16 So the guard didn’t require them to eat the king’s special food. He didn’t require them to drink the king’s wine either. He gave them vegetables instead.

Following a different practice than everybody else likely seemed odd to the people around them, possibly even offensive. In this case, the young men directly resisted the ideas of a conquering king!

What risks did Daniel and his friends take to suggest a different dietary practice? Accept all answers. Explore together how Daniel and his friends likely appeared foolish to refuse meat (an expensive food), ungrateful, or unnecessarily strict, etc.
What risks do we take when we try new practices that are different than our parents or culture taught us? Accept all answers. Explore how groups of people tend to judge others for thinking differently; how they are often threatened by free thinking and new ideas, etc.

New ideas do not always end successfully, as they did for Daniel. Sometimes others with more experience do offer wisdom and we should take their advice. However, when we discern that certain common practices are more harmful than helpful, the only way to find a healthier outcome is to try a new approach. Just as Daniel was respectful to his new king, we also can be respectful to those around us while still following a different method than our family, friends, and culture.

In today’s story, we are going to explore the possibility that even though people around us have strong thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about how to parent well, this does not necessarily mean that these ideas are correct. In fact, loving our children well might mean that we do the very opposite of others. But of course, doing what is right for our children may come at a cost. As you hear the story, pay attention to the cost that this family pays for wanting to raise their children differently.

Story

Mr. and Mrs. Huq had attended parenting classes in their community for the last year. In the beginning of the parenting course, the new ideas interested them, but also made them uncomfortable. Their parents had raised them a certain way and others in their village did the same; however, the more they thought about these new ideas, they began to make sense. It could only help their family for their daughter to receive more education because in time, she would develop greater confidence and earn more money. They saw that their oldest son had strong ideas about his life decisions: he wished to make his own decisions about his profession and choice in marriage. They wanted to respect his will and give up control so that he could mature as a man and take responsibility for his life. For their younger children, they began to see that protecting them from dangerous people and situations was more important than allowing all visitors to enter their home.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Huq had their neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Khan, over for a meal. Mr. Huq spoke to his friend Mr. Khan about their hopes that their 15-year-old daughter, Aisha, might attend university. Mr. Khan immediately looked uneasy, annoyed and even angry. He had just found a good marriage match for his 15-year-old daughter and took offense that Mr. Huq had a different idea. “Mr. Huq, how can you think such a ridiculous idea? You will take on the expense of educating your daughter and then no man will want her because of her arrogance. No one around here does such things!” Mr. Huq felt immediately defensive and displeased with the tense conversation. And he began to question himself. Perhaps he was wrong about educating his daughter. Who was he to have a different idea?

Mrs. Huq and a similar conversation with Mrs. Khan. Mrs. Huq shared how their 20-year-old son Ali did not wish to take over their family business but wanted to pursue a different profession. This put their family in some difficulty, as they needed the additional help. “Oh well!” said Mrs. Huq. “I suppose it is important for Ali to learn to make his own decisions. After all, he must find his own way in the world, and we will not always be here to tell him what to do.” Mrs. Khan looked at her friend in disgust and alarm. “Mrs. Huq, you cannot mean that! Your son’s responsibility is to do what you say as his parent. Those who are older should make decisions for their children, even if their children are adults. If you let him make his own choices, what will happen next?” Mrs. Huq did not know what to say. She immediately lowered her eyes in shame and doubted herself. Who was she to have a different idea about how to parent her son?

What Mr. and Mrs. Huq did not expect was what Mr. and Mrs. Khan would do as a result of these conversations. Mr. and Mrs. Khan were quite irritated with the Huq family’s free-thinking ways. It insulted others in the community to treat their children differently. Mrs. Khan gossiped with other women about Mr. and Mrs. Huq’s foolish ideas about how to raise their children, openly criticizing them. These women began to speak to Mrs. Huq in dishonorable ways, saying sarcastic things like, “Mrs. Huq! I bet your daughter has been accepted into 10 universities since you have such fine plans for her! Too bad no one will marry her!” Other men said to Mr. Huq, “I wonder what will happen to your business now that your irresponsible son has other plans. No family business survives without a strong leader telling others what to do!”

Due to their new ideas about how to parent their children, Mr. and Mrs. Huq were in a position of shame in their community. They had no idea that loving their children well might come at such a high cost.

What new ideas about parenting do Mr. and Mrs. Huq have? They want their daughter to go to university and wait for marriage until older; they want their older son to be able to make his own decisions about his future; and they wished to protect their younger children from possible dangers.
How do their friends respond? They are disgusted with their ideas.
How does the community shame Mr. and Mrs. Huq? They gossip about them and say sarcastic, shaming things to them directly.
What is the cost of Mr. and Mrs. Huq’s new parenting ideas? They lose their reputation in the community.
How might people in our community shame others who disagree with typical parenting practices? Accept all answers.

Making changes in how we do things that differ from those around us comes at a cost, doesn’t it? Mr. and Mrs. Huq pay the price of respect and friendship with those in their community because they wish to love their children well. This is one of the most powerful reasons that parenting in new ways is so challenging. Even though we may be certain that new practices will benefit our children, others around us will likely resist and pressure us to conform to their ways.

Caregiver Connection

5 minutes

It is helpful to remember that you, as the caregiver, are ultimately responsible for how you treat your child. Nurturing and protecting your child’s heart, mind and body is more important than the opinions surrounding you. Even if your new ideas are not as successful as you imagined, placing your child’s interests as top priority is a loving practice and one that honors God. As you evaluate parenting practices consider:

How does this practice affect my child’s heart (self-worth, ability to make decisions)?
How does this practice affect my child’s mind (thoughts, feelings, growth)?
How does this practice affect my child’s body? (health, physical growth, future)?

As you analyze your answers, allow God’s love to help you adjust and change your practices, assured that love’s way is always best, though sometimes difficult.

Application/Activity

15 minutes

All disagreements and conflict between people occur because of powerful feelings and ideas that form in our hearts. We might be so accustomed to these thoughts and feelings that we do not question them, but we should. Just because we think and feel something strongly, it does not mean that we are right.

For our activity, through case studies we will discuss what motivates people to pressure others to conform to unloving care for children, rather than love and protection. Then we will discuss how to firmly do what we know to be right.

Follow these instructions:

Place the participants into groups of 4-5.
Explain that you will read two case studies about parents trying to love their children well, while others disagree with their methods.
After reading each case study, the groups need to discuss, respond, and share answers to these two questions:
- What motived other adults to pressure the parents to conform to the accepted, but unloving, ways of treating children?
- How might the parents respond in these situations to stay firm and do what they believe best for their children?
Read one case study and allow the groups to discuss and share their answers with the whole group. Then, read the second case study and do the same thing. As much as possible, encourage the groups to answer the questions on their own; but if needed, some possible answers are included after each case study.

Case study 1

A teacher of a 10-year-old boy named Murugan took a great dislike to him. Murugan was smart, and caught this teacher making errors in math, though he was never disrespectful about it. This teacher became increasingly harsh and negative to Murugan, routinely shaming and criticizing him in front of other students, beating him with a ruler. Murugan’s parents wanted this teacher to be removed from the school, but when they spoke with the school headmistress, she got angry with them saying, “How dare you criticize this school and this teacher? It is not your place to question our methods. You need to discipline your son rather than the teacher!” As the school headmistress said this, in her head she thought to herself, Sure, this teacher is not a good teacher, but if I do what these parents say, then I will lose all control of the school and other parents will think they can tell me what to do. It is most important that I remain in control!

What motived other adults to pressure the parents to conform to the accepted, but unloving, ways of treating children?
- The school headmistress’ motives: She wanted to keep control over parents; she was prideful and wanted respect through power. These were more important than the child.
- The teacher’s motives: his pride was hurt that Murugan caught his errors; he wished to humiliate Murugan and elevate himself.
How might the parents respond in these situations to stay firm and do what they believe best for their children? They could have continued to present their case to the headmistress; they might work with other parents to get this teacher removed; they might deal with the teacher directly, etc.

Case study 2

Mrs. Chowdhury was talking with her neighbor Mrs. Sharma while her young son Daaruk played nearby. Daaruk had a strong temper and will and Mrs. Chowdhury was struggling to teach him good behavior; however, Mrs. Chowdhury wished to train her son’s will to choose right rather than force him through violence. While Mrs. Chowdhury talked with her friend, Daaruk started begging to go home. Mrs. Chowdhury asked him to wait patiently, but Daaruk began to loudly whine and beg.

Mrs. Chowdhury stopped the conversation and stepped aside, giving Daaruk two choices: he could either wait patiently, or continue his whining and lose his play time later. Daaruk took an uncomfortably long time to decide, but finally sat down quietly with a defiant look. Mrs. Sharma looked disapprovingly at Mrs. Chowdhury, saying, “You must make sure your son knows that you are boss of his life, not himself. If you beat him and punish him, he will learn to behave. Your weakness will make your son a failure!” Inside herself, Mrs. Sharma felt great anger and disgust with Mrs. Chowdhury. She often lost her temper with her own son and beat him cruelly when he disobeyed. She felt guilty for losing control, but then soothed her guilt with reminding herself that everyone did the same thing. When Mrs. Chowdhury did not, Mrs. Sharma judged and condemned her for not parenting as she did.

What motived other adults to pressure the parents to conform to the accepted, but unloving, ways of treating children?
- Mrs. Sharma’s motives: She felt guilt about the way she abused her own son and this led to her judging and condemning her friend when she did not abuse her son.
How might the parents respond in these situations to stay firm and do what they believe best for their children?
- Mrs. Chowdhury could explain why she chooses not to beat her son; she might say that parenting is challenging, but it is acceptable for parents to disagree on what is best; she could explain that her son did choose to obey, etc.

Reflection

4 minutes

In parenting situations like these, you might feel hopeless about positive outcomes. Receiving disapproval from others can make a parent submit to self-doubt and just do what others do. However, the way communities change is through one person at a time making new, loving decisions that are truly good for children.

Take a minute of silence and reflect on this question: Think of a parenting challenge that you are facing right now (or have faced in the past). See yourself choosing to love and protect your child, though others might disagree.

What positive outcomes might eventually happen? What benefits could happen for your child through your courageous commitment to love?

Allow for a minute of silence; then, ask any willing participants to share their thoughts and ideas.

Closing

1 minute

Parenting in new, loving ways will inevitably invite resistance from others, especially if they have been common practice for a long time.

However, what often motivates others to resist and condemn new, loving parenting practices? Their own guilt about how they treat children; judgment and condemnation; a prideful desire for control and power.

If we wish our community to love and protect children as they are meant to be treated, it will help to remember these wrong motives that lead ourselves and others to resist change. When we recognize these unloving motives, we can renew our own commitment to caring for children and seek the courage to act differently. We may risk our own reputation in the process, but when others see that our children grow in confidence, health and prosperity, it will encourage them to consider new ways of caring for children.