Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum
Year 1, Lesson 9: A Damaged Garden: Love’s Absence, Pain’s Presence, Evil Action
Time Needed: 45 minutes
Garden Images:
Index
Teacher Preparation
Introduction
New Ideas
Caregiver Connection
Application/Activity
Reflection
Closing
Teacher Preparation
Objectives
The caregiver will be able to:
- Hear how the Bible teaches forgiveness to help break family patterns.
- Explore how unhealed trauma and pain in families passes from parents to children, creating ongoing abusive patterns (addictions, physical and sexual abuse, etc.).
- Explain how human participation in evil is often outside of our awareness.
- List examples of ongoing abuse patterns.
- Explore how love can overcome both a parent and child’s participation in evil.
Materials
- Chalkboard and chalk
- Garden image
- Notebook
Preparation
- Read the lesson and reflect on how to teach it wisely.
- Skim previous lesson. Prepare to have a quick review at the beginning of class.
Introduction
5 minutes
In our last lesson, we explored how sharing the truth of unconditional love with children helps them overcome lies of isolation, entrapment, and impurity.
- How have you noticed unconditional love at work during the last weeks since we met? Accept all answers.
We will begin today’s lesson with thinking about our families. Every family has certain ways of doing things that are uniquely theirs.
- What are some examples from your family? Consider habits, traditions, etc. Accept all answers, allowing the participants to share stories about their families.
- Where do these unique habits and traditions come from? Accept all answers.
Every family inherits ways of doing things from previous generations. Past generations influence who we are today. Hold up the picture of a garden.
- What are the greatest influences on this garden? What will most affect how it grows? The person gardening it; the environment; the quality of the soil, etc.
As we have discussed, a child’s caregivers as well as the surrounding conditions have the greatest influence on how their children grow, just like a garden. Every adult here also was a child at one time and was shaped and formed by their parents and the surrounding conditions. We receive habits, traditions, and beliefs from all the generations that came before us.
New Ideas
15 minutes
We also receive family patterns and ways of treating one another from our families. Some of these family patterns are good for everyone, but not all.
As you hear today’s story, pay attention to how the past affects the people involved in their present family.
Story
Anika and Adom were a young couple who had been married for 3 years. Both of them had unhappy childhoods—they were disappointed in their early lives and did not want to repeat them. Anika’s
parents had both died while she was a baby and her aunt and uncle raised her. Adom had both parents, but their marriage was tense and unhappy and his home unpredictable and violent. Marriage had allowed them an escape, but now that they were 3 years into it and had a child of their own, they discovered that a new beginning was not so easy.
One morning their toddler son refused to go to the market with Anika. He laid on the floor screaming and kicking when his mother came near to force him to come. This behavior is unacceptable, thought Anika to herself, concerned that the neighbors would hear the child’s defiant screams. Not knowing what to do, she asked Adom to come deal with him. Though Adom saw himself as gentle and patient, a well of anger exploded inside him at his son’s disobedience. His face grew hot, and he harshly picked up his son, shaking him forcefully until his body finally stopped in pain and fear, his tiny strength overpowered by his father.
When Adom’s anger had subsided, tears welled in his eyes as for the first time, he knew his son feared him. Memories from his own father flashed before his eyes, ones he had never dared to share with anyone, even Anika. He actually hated his father but saw that in this moment, he was just like him.
This encounter with her son and husband affected Anika differently. Her aunt and uncle who had raised her did not treat her violently; rather, they ignored her. They clearly regretted the little food they shared with her, feeding their children and themselves first. Her cousins received the best they could afford, and Anika the leftovers. Anika grew up with neglect and little personal support. She did not know how to calm another’s anger and this violent situation between her husband and child left her recoiling in shock and distress. She saw that her son’s bruises from his father’s furious treatment, but when her son came to her for comfort, her anxious feelings made it impossible for her to warmly hug him, communicating love and safety.
Deep inside themselves, both parents hated themselves after this aggressive confrontation with their son. Adom had always resented his father for his violence and here he was doing the same thing himself! But he also saw that he had no control over himself in this situation. Anika blamed herself for not being able to calm her son and thought his disobedience was her fault. Underneath that, she also blamed her toddler son for his stubborn temperament, believing that passive obedience was best for avoiding conflict and notice.
This story describes a single parenting moment during two parents’ wider life stories. Let’s consider each person’s point of view:
- What feelings does Adom have in the story? Intense anger; surprise at his anger; resentment toward himself, his father and his son; shame, sadness.
- What feelings does Anika have in the story? Powerlessness in how to control her son; anxiety; shock; distress.
- Though their son is a toddler, what do you think he feels? Fear, hurt, sadness.
- What are Adom and Anika’s hopes for their family? That it will be an improvement from their own childhoods.
Most people hope to improve things for their own family, even those with reasonably happy childhoods. However, once we have our own homes and families, like Adom and Anika, we bring our past with us. They had painful wounds from their upbringing and brought them into their own home, though they did not wish to do so. All parents and caregivers make mistakes in how they raise their children and these struggles wound and hurt their children.
- What do you think and feel about the idea that all caregivers will inevitably hurt and fail their children in some way? Accept all answers. Explore together how it can be simultaneously distressing and hopeful that we will inevitably make mistakes.
When we recognize that parenting mistakes are inevitable and that our past affects us today, it can help us be realistic about our limitations as parents. It also encourages us to grow so that we harm our children as little as possible and love them as much as possible.
- How do Adom and Anika in the story show that they are aware of their family problems but also unaware of how these problems affect them? This is a difficult question, so reread the story if needed and accept all answers.
Both Adom and Anika are aware that they have been hurt from their families as this leads them to desire a happier home. However, they both are unaware of how their childhood hurts affect them now. Adom is surprised that unexpected anger and violence arise within him, and Anika does not know why she responds with no emotion to her son’s needs.
- Why do you think they respond as they do? Accept answers, but agree that they learned these responses from their families of origin.
As we said at the beginning of the lesson, the conditions around us affect who we become, both for parents and their children. We receive both positive and negative things from our families.
- What are some positive things we might receive from our families? Accept all answers.
- Let’s consider now some negative behaviors and patterns we might receive from our families. You can begin with ideas shared in our story. Accept answers. Some possible answers: Violence, lack of love or emotional distance, etc.
Patterns in habits, beliefs, and behaviors can repeat generation after generation, whether they are positive or negative. The hurts that we receive from our family in this way can lead to unforgiveness between members. In the Bible, Jesus gives advice on how to live in our families and in our relationships with other people. One time, he shared with the crowd this advice about how to live well with others:
Luke 6:37
37 “…Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
- Why do you think Jesus emphasized forgiveness? Accept all answers. Bad things happen to everyone. We all need forgiveness.
- Why is forgiveness so difficult? Accept answers. We want others to pay for their wrongs; we want justice; our anger or culture supports getting revenge; etc.
- How could lack of forgiveness promote negative family patterns? Accept all answers. Remind the participants how blame and shame cause us to reject love and healing; or, how our pain leads us to harm others rather than prevent evil. Lack of forgiveness encourages wrongs to continue.
- How could forgiveness play an important role in breaking negative family patterns? Accept all answers: When we forgive others, we no longer blame them or act out of anger, which sets us free.
It is important to remember that forgiveness releases our own heart from blame and shame resulting from evil done to us or the evil we’ve done to others. Forgiveness opens a window for God’s love to fill us. It does not make the evil right. We may still need to diligently protect ourselves and others from continued harm. The forgiveness is our own release to accept love, healing and change. This freedom is particularly important regarding the dangerous patterns that we might inherit from our families related to abuse. Examples of these are:
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Substance abuse
- Other addictions
- Neglect to provide for a child’s basic needs
Caregiver Connection
5 minutes
Research shows that parents or caregivers who were abused in their childhood will be more likely to treat their own children in this way. For this reason, it is important for all parents to grow in awareness of such negative patterns that they experienced in their own childhood so that they do not pass them to their own children. The good news is that every person can change and grow with God’s help!
Application/Activity
5 minutes
In our activity today, let’s explore how painful childhood experiences immediately affect a child and then might also affect them in the future. As this is likely a new idea for participants, the activity’s goal is for the participants to simply recognize how past unresolved pain leads to future problems that injure others. Follow these instructions:
- Divide the participants into groups of 4-5 people.
- Explain that you will read three different scenarios out loud. After you have read each one, the groups will discuss these two questions:
- What do the children likely think and feel in the scenario?
- How does it affect them as adult parents?
- Read the first scenario out loud and allow the groups to discuss answers to the two questions. Then have each group share their responses. Possible answers are listed after each scenario.
Scenario 1:
Navini and Nalan both grew up with a father who abused alcohol. When their father came home drunk after spending the family’s money, he said cruel things to their mother and physically abused all of them. Their mother never admitted their father’s shameful drinking problem, but pretended that he was sick with a flu. Navini grew up to marry a man who was an alcoholic, who abused her and their children. She hid her husband’s problem just as her mother had done. Nalan avoided alcohol until later in his life when under stress at work. He tried his first drink and loved how it helped him forget his stress. He began to spend the family’s money on alcohol as it helped him cope with hardship.
- What do the children in the story likely think and feel in the scenario? Possible answers: That cruel abusive treatment is normal and to be kept secret; fear and shame at the treatment they received; Nalan may have ignored his own temptation to drink; etc.
- How does it affect the children as adult parents? Navini married a man like her father who treated her in the same way she was raised. She hid the alcohol problem. Nalan began to drink later in life to cope with stress; he spent his family’s money.
Scenario 2:
A wealthy uncle who had a reputation for unusual interest in young children invited the Mahmud family to live with him when Mr. Mahmud lost employment. Because this uncle had respect and prestige, the Mahmud family accepted his offer in hopes that it would improve their economic situation. Besides, such stories might be untrue and Mother and Father Mahmud had been sexually abused themselves. Both parents looked away when Uncle found ways to be alone with their young children, Raisa and Yousef.
When Raisa and Yousef grew up, they tried to forget the uncomfortable things Uncle did to them, though sometimes these painful memories popped up and they burned with shame. Years later, another family member with a reputation of sexual abuse wanted to live with them and their children. He promised to help pay for family expenses. They allowed him to do so. Raisa thought to herself, Now my daughter will suffer the way I have! This is natural and normal for girls. Yousef thought to himself, This is just what men do. I may avoid it myself, but if this uncle helps my family, then it is worth it.
- What do the children likely think and feel in the scenario? Discomfort, shame from the memories. They try to forget; they think abuse is normal.
- How does it affect the children as adult parents? They allow their children to be sexually abused as they were and justify it.
Scenario 3:
Aisha and Abdul grew up with a mother who made all of the decisions for them. If Aisha had her own thoughts about how to cook a meal, her mother called her stupid and foolish, manipulating her into doing everything her way. When Abdul expressed his wish to delay getting married to first earn more money, his mother pestered and tormented him, saying, “No woman will marry a fool like you anyway, but especially not if you are old!” Their father passively allowed their mother to treat them as she wished.
When Aisha became a mother herself, she could not wait to control her children as she had been controlled. When her daughter wanted to attend school longer, Aisha scolded her saying, “An education is wasted on an imbecile like you,” when secretly she just wanted her company at home. When Abdul married the girl his mother chose, he resented his new wife from the first because he had not been allowed to choose for himself. When he had his own daughter, he allowed his wife to verbally abuse and taunt her, as from his perspective, all women did this.
- What do the children think and feel in the scenario? Possible answers: they likely feel shame and frustration at not being able to make their own decisions; they believe they have no choice but to yield.
- How does it affect the children as adult parents? They treat their children as they were treated, assuming that it is normal. Aisha hurts her child when she secretly wants her to keep her company. Abdul resents his wife and fails to protect his daughter, etc.
Reflection
4 minutes
In all of these scenarios, the children maintained abusive practices in their parenting because they viewed mistreatment as normal and acceptable, though they had been similarly injured as children. This reality describes how evil can powerfully disrupt families; however, God’s love has even greater power to transform families. Once we recognize such patterns in our own families and lives, love can break these patterns and replace them with new ones that bring joy and health.
Today we heard stories about families that allowed physical, sexual, emotional abuse and addictions to continue. Let’s take time now to picture a family where these hurtful practices are replaced with love, joy, and health. Choose one of these painful scenarios and take a period of silent reflection to imagine how the children might learn to make different choices than their parents and have a family where love, joy and health occur instead.
- What do you imagine?
Offer the parents a minute of silence and then allow willing participants to share what they imagined.
Closing
1 minute
It is important that we recall these pictures of families that live in joy and health. Though the families in this lesson maintained abusive practices in their families, many other families break these patterns with love’s help, and develop new, healthy patterns. No person is doomed to live out hurts incurred in childhood.
This week, reflect on your own life with an open mind. Consider the negative and positive patterns received from your family of origin. If negative experiences come to mind, consider how forgiveness may help you heal and then reflect on new, healthy patterns that could replace these. Our lesson next week will explore how God’s love helps us overcome our past and learn how to parent our children in positive ways.
