Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum

Year 1, Lesson 4: A Damaged Garden: Shame, Blame and Secrecy

`Time Needed: 45 minutes`

Garden Images:

African woman bending over a garden with a gardening tool — Africa

Latin American woman sitting in garden, gathering vegetables — Latin America & the Caribbean

South Asian woman working in a garden, holding a plant — Asia

Index

Teacher Preparation

Objectives

The caregiver will be able to:

Hear a Bible story about how shame from wrongdoing leads Adam and Eve to hide and keep secrets.
List outward signs and symptoms of abuse in a child.
Explore how abuse naturally brings inward shame (I am worthless), blame (I am or others are at fault) and secrecy.
Explore how the local culture and a parent’s family of origin around secrecy and shame lead them to parent similarly.
Explore how both parent and child experience shame, blame and a desire to hide, but love exposes, heals, and renews.

Materials

Notebook
Chalkboard and chalk

Preparation

Read the lesson and reflect on how to teach it wisely.
Skim previous lesson. Prepare to have a quick review at the beginning of class.
Since this lesson deals with taboo subjects, consider separating men and women for the lesson to encourage more comfort and openness.
For the Introduction section, think about one of your own childhood stories when you did something wrong. It does not have to be a serious story, but an example of the common mistakes that children make such as telling a lie or stealing a sweet. Highlight how such common wrongdoing leads children to hide the error as long as possible.

Introduction

5 minutes

In our last meeting, we discussed one of the most important parts of every person’s heart: the will.

What is the will? The part of a person that chooses or decides how they will act in the world.

Why is it such a problem to violate another person’s will, or to have our own will violated? Accept answers, reviewing how being forced to do something creates shame, humiliation and resentment that makes positive growth and future decision-making difficult.

What are some simple ways that families could better respect one another’s will that you have noticed since our last meeting? Accept all answers. Some possible answers are: stepping back when angry and not responding to the other person; teaching children that they have a will that they need to use to make good choices, etc.

Our previous lesson mentioned physical and sexual abuse as common ways that one person can violate a child and harm their whole person: mind, heart, and body. Though all forms of violation are wrong, these forms in particular damage a child in a way that can affect them for their entire life. Most people, regardless of culture, do not wish to openly talk about abuse. In today’s lesson we will discuss why we hide such circumstances and how love invites us to bring them into the light.

To begin, let’s think about and discuss this question:

Think of a time when you were a child and did something wrong that you knew that your elders would disapprove of. Perhaps you broke a dish or stole a sweet. What did you think and feel? What did you do? Share a light-hearted story of your own, encouraging the parents to do the same as well. Discuss together how when we commit a wrong, all people seek to hide it and hope that no one discovers it. Also, discuss the shame and desire to not get caught that occur, etc.

We all have natural instincts that guide us once we make a bad choice or perhaps feel like we made a bad choice, even when we did not.

New Ideas

7 minutes

Human response to wrongdoing is the same across time and even occurs in the stories in the beginning of the Bible. Listen to how Adam and Eve, the first people on earth, were tricked into a bad choice. Pay special attention to how they respond when God finds out.

Our story begins when evil, in the form of a serpent, passes on his evil to the humans. He convinces Eve that God had lied to her about what would happen if she were to eat fruit from a special tree in the garden.

Genesis 3:6-7

6 The woman saw that the tree’s fruit was good to eat and pleasing to look at. She also saw that it would make a person wise. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. And he ate it. 7 Then both of them knew things they had never known before. They realized they were naked. So they sewed together fig leaves and made clothes for themselves.

What did Adam and Eve notice after they disobeyed God and ate from the tree? They knew they were naked.

What did they think they should do with their nakedness? Hide it. They sewed fig leaves and made clothes.

Adam and Eve had a special relationship with God, spending time with him daily. On that day God came to spend time with them and they made a quick decision. Listen to what they did.

Genesis 3:8-9

8 Then the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking in the garden. It was during the coolest time of the day. They hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called out to the man. “Where are you?” he asked.

What did Adam and Eve do? Hid from God.

Why do you think they hid from God? They felt ashamed. They were scared.

Adam and Eve responded as all humans do when we commit a wrong—we immediately experience shame and a desire to hide it. In a similar way, when others commit powerful wrongs against us, such as abuse, we experience shame and a desire to keep them secret. This is particularly true of physical and sexual abuse.

Story

12 minutes

Today we will explore how to recognize signs of abuse in our children and why such trauma leads to a desire to hide it. Below is a story about a family with a child who has been abused. Pay special attention to how people behave outwardly and how they think and feel inwardly. Please change names to be culturally appropriate.

Story

Ibrahim and Pia had two sons named Ishraque and Mannan. Mannan, the youngest, was 5 years old and until recently had been a confident and happy child. He made everyone around him laugh with his bright smile and light-hearted temperament. However, two months ago some close family friends from another village had visited to help with the family business. They brought their older son, Abdel, to help as well.

Abdel was exceedingly polite and hard-working. Ibrahim and Pia thought him an admirable young man and assumed he would be a good influence on their boys. Abdel, however, took an unusual interest in Mannan. He was quite friendly to him, touching him frequently and asking his parents questions about him.

While working on some parts of the business alone, he would invite Mannan to join him and help him for hours at a time. While they were alone, Abdel touched Mannan in ways that made Mannan feel dirty and unclean. Abdel told Mannan that this was their special secret, and no one must know. Mannan made a vow to himself to keep this secret no matter what. He must be a bad person if such things happened to him, and it must be his fault.

Even so, Mannan grew to fear Abdel and their secret. One day he mustered enough courage to ask his parents if he could work with them instead. Pia scolded him saying, “Mannan! How can you be so ungrateful when a kind, responsible boy like Abdel is helping our business? You must stay with him as he enjoys your help so much!”

Pia thought to herself that she did not want to offend Abdel and his family; they were such great help, and she did not want them to think that Mannan was impolite and disobedient. Ibrahim told Mannan that one day he would be a man and should not need to be with his mother and father all the time.

Mannan began to act increasingly more unusual. He started having difficulty sleeping at night and would have outbursts of inexplicable anger. He wet the bed while sleeping; something he had never done before. Though they said nothing to anyone, Ibrahim and Pia noticed that he touched his private parts. It shocked them and they pushed his hand away from himself, telling him to stop immediately.

Sometimes Mannan would follow them everywhere, saying he was afraid to be alone while other times he would withdraw and talk quietly to himself. They even once heard him say to himself, “I hate you, Mannan!” Ibrahim spoke to him, saying, “Son, son! Do not say such terrible things to yourself!” Mannan didn’t respond to his father. As their son grew increasingly unpredictable and disrespectful, Ibrahim and Pia grew more strict and punished him often, hoping it would improve his behavior, and not wanting others to view them as weak parents.

Ibrahim and Pia were so grateful for Abdel’s family’s help and grew increasingly concerned that Mannan’s bad behavior would send them away. Sometimes Pia felt somewhat uncomfortable with Abdel’s interest in Mannan. What if Abdel wasn’t selfless, but was trying to please himself in some other wrong way? However, she pushed such thoughts out of her mind. How could she think such suspicious, shameful thoughts? It was dangerous to even consider such things, especially from a family who helped them so much.

Ask the participants the following questions to check for understanding of the story:

What is Mannan like in the beginning of the story? Confident, smiles a lot, happy, light-hearted.

How does Mannan change after spending time with Abdel? He stops wanting to be with Abdel; he sleeps poorly at night; he wets the bed; has outbursts of anger; says that he hates himself; is afraid to be alone; touches his private parts.

How does Mannan feel after Abdel abuses him? He feels dirty and ashamed and blames himself.

What thoughts and feelings do Ibrahim and Pia have in the story? They are grateful for Abdel’s family’s help; they think Abdel is a kind and helpful person; Mannan’s behavior embarrasses them; they fear that other parents will judge them; Pia feels guilty for suspecting Abdel; etc.

Why do you think that Ibrahim and Pia have such difficulty suspecting that Abdel is abusing their son? He is a close family friend; they do not want to hurt the relationship, especially as his family is helping them; it is so shameful that they do not wish to talk about it.

We learn some important things about how abuse—or any shameful situation where one person wrongs another—affects a person from this story. When a person encounters sexual or physical abuse, their first response is to feel dirty and ashamed and to blame themselves. In shame, we tell ourselves that we are worthless. And in blame, we say it is our fault.

Mannan is five years old. Is he responsible for what Abdel does to him? Accept answers. Agree together that as a 5-year-old, he is not able to protect himself from someone older and stronger.

Even if you have never been abused, we can all relate to this common experience, just as we discussed at the beginning of class. When any wrong occurs due to ourselves or others, we experience shame and have an intense desire to hide and keep it secret. The same is true with abuse, though any time abuse happens to a child it is always the perpetrator’s responsibility and never the child’s.

Caregiver Connection

1 minute

As caregivers, we can form new family patterns around how we respond to shameful circumstances. We can learn to recognize our tendency to feel shame and hide in less serious circumstances, such as when we hide a small wrong that we have committed. We can practice apologizing to others and discussing wrongs openly to discover how it brings hope and healing. We can remind our children to talk to us openly about anything, even difficult topics and become the kind of people who respond well.

Application/Activity

15 minutes

Every culture and community have powerful reasons for keeping such situations a secret. Imagine that something like Mannan’s situation happened in our community and family members suspected that something wrong might be occurring.

How do you think that the people involved would respond? Accept all answers. Explore how community taboos—the desire not to offend close friends or to bring shame on the child and family, etc.—all prevent people from acknowledging such problems. List as many reasons as possible.

Though we might understand and even agree with how Mannan’s family responds to his abusive situation, we can all recognize that it is not good that Mannan views himself as worthless and accepts blame for an elder’s actions. In our activity today, with 1-2 other participants, you will try to imagine other ways that the adults around Mannan might have handled this situation.

Give these instructions:

Allow participants to get in groups of 2-3 people.
State that you will read Mannan’s story to them again. They should listen for and respond to these questions:

What signs does Abdel give that he might intend to abuse Mannan? Some possible answers are: he shows unusual interest in a young child and wants to be alone with him.
What might Ibrahim and Pia have done to protect Mannan? Some possible answers are: not allowed him to be alone with Abdel; paid attention to Mannan when he expressed fear of being alone with Abdel; noticed the signs that Mannan gave that something was wrong, etc.
In a situation like this, what do you believe is most important? Protecting a child from shameful circumstances, or protecting a relationship with close friends? Why?

Read the story again and have the small groups respond to the three questions. The purpose of this activity is to encourage families to think (perhaps for the first time) how such situations could be handled differently. With the last question, allow groups to discuss the tension between pleasing others and protecting a child.
Invite the groups to share their responses with the whole group.

Reflection

4 minutes

The horror of discovering that abuse has occurred within our home usually brings a sense of shame on not only the child, but on the parents as well. The parents might experience shame not unlike what the child feels. As discussed earlier, when in shame, we believe that we are worthless and are to blame. However, this shame can prevent us from responding in love and pursuing help and healing for our children and for ourselves.

Remember that unconditional love says that every human is immeasurably precious, no matter their life circumstances or hardship and suffering. God’s presence can change our hearts and our families, so that we know our worth and out of that love choose what is truly good for our children.

Take a moment of silence and imagine a love so good and forgiving that it wipes away the sense of worthlessness that we all feel at times, either from ways that we were wronged or ways that we have wronged others. Allow a moment of silence.

Undertaking a simple activity like this, when we imagine that we are precious and loved, can help us face and respond with love in difficult situations.

Closing

1 minutes

In our story today, Mannan gave signs that he was experiencing abuse. What were they? Review the signs below:

Asked not to be with the perpetrator and clung to his parents instead.
Had difficulty sleeping at night.
Inexplicable outbursts of anger.
Wet the bed at night.
Touched his private parts.
Sometimes feared being alone and other times withdrew by himself.
Said that he hated himself.

Our story today focused on sexual abuse, but children who have been abused physically show many of these same signs. One other common sign is bruising on the body. You can keep these signs in mind, and they will help you recognize if your child may have been abused.

Next week we will explore in greater depth how love’s purpose in cases of shame and secrecy is to bring them into the light for healing and restoration. Even though our tendency is to hide uncomfortable circumstances such as abuse, it is important to acknowledge and expose what happened and address a child’s needs. This will allow the child to experience hope and healing.