Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum

Year 1, Lesson 3: A Damaged Garden - Evil and the Whole Person

Time Needed: 45 minutes

Garden Images:

Index

Teacher Preparation

Introduction

New Ideas

Application/Activity

Caregiver Connection

Reflection

Closing

Teacher Preparation

Objectives

The caregiver will be able to:

• Hear a Bible story about how evil led Amnon to rape his sister and seriously wrong her.
• Explore how different characters in the story violate another’s will.
• Define abuse: When someone violates any part of another person against their will (heart, mind, and body) to satisfy their own needs. 
• List common local examples of child abuse and parenting practices (sexual abuse, physical abuse, child labor, neglect and exploitation) that violate a child’s person and describe their impact.
• Explore reasons that parents might choose to treat their children these ways (substance abuse, cultural traditions, experiences from their own childhood, etc.).
• Explore how love overcomes evil through heart change and positive parenting practices.

Materials

• Notebook
• Chalkboard and chalk

Preparation

• Read the lesson and reflect on how to teach it wisely.
• Skim previous lesson. Prepare to have a quick review at the beginning of class.

Introduction

5 minutes

In our last meeting, we explored how evil is done to us and through us, though God’s love also inspires us to care well for others. We also discussed how hardship or powerful negative thoughts and feelings inside us might lead to harming others, even if we are unaware.

• How have you noticed love at work in yourself and those around you since we last met together? Accept answers.

• How have you noticed evil at work in yourself and those around you since we last met? Accept answers. If they are reluctant to share, explain that they can answer in general ways, not stating who was involved.

In this parenting course, we will continue to discuss how to love our children as well as explore negative practices that harm our children. First, we will begin our discussion today with a question.

• Think of a time in your life when someone forced you to do something you did not want or choose to do. What thoughts and feelings did you have? How did it affect your relationship with the other person? After giving them some time to think, accept all responses. Discuss how being forced to do something usually brings up anger, frustration, shame, thoughts of hopelessness, etc. Almost always we resent the person who forced us.

We defined the heart as where we make our choices and decisions. The heart houses our will, one of the most important parts of who we are. In this inner place, every person is meant to decide and choose how they will live and what will they offer the world. When another person overrides our will, it causes tension.

As caregivers, there are times we override our children’s will to protect them, such as keeping them away from a hot stove. There are other times we override their will to teach them manners or life skills, such as using polite words and learning to clean up after themselves. However, as caregivers we must be very selective when we override our child’s will as we may damage their ability to make their own choices and to value their will.

Today we are exploring a more serious time when one person overrides the will of another, when one chooses what is bad for another person’s body, mind or heart to satisfy their own needs. We call this forceful and harmful violation of another’s will “abuse.”

New Ideas

20 minutes

Sometimes it is uncomfortable to hear stories of abuse, yet they help show us how love and evil work in our world. The story for today has some disturbing examples of abuse, though some are obvious and others more difficult to notice. I will read from the Bible about some grown-up children of King David.

Pay special attention to the choices each person makes in the story. We will stop along the way to make a list together. Later, in our activity we will look in more detail at the effects from abuse.

2 Samuel 13:2

2 Amnon wanted his sister Tamar so much that it made him sick. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do what he wanted with her.

A friend of Amnon thought of a plan to satisfy Amnon’s desire and Amnon readily agreed to it. He pretended to be ill and requested his half-sister to bring him food.

• Let’s get our list started. What choices or decisions have characters in this story made? Write the answers on the board. Possible answers include:
  • A friend made an evil plan to help Amnon.
  • Amnon agreed to the plan.
  • Amnon pretended to be sick and asked his half-sister to bring him food.

2 Samuel 13:10-16

10 Then [Amnon] said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom. Please feed it to me.” So Tamar picked up the bread she had prepared. She brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 She took it to him so he could eat it. But he grabbed her. He said, “My sister, come to bed with me.”

12 “No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! An evil thing like that should never be done in Israel! Don’t do it! 13 What about me? How could I ever get rid of my shame? And what about you? You would be as foolish as any evil person in Israel. Please speak to the king. He won’t keep me from marrying you.” 14 But Amnon refused to listen to her. He was stronger than she was. So he raped her.

15 Then Amnon hated Tamar very much. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her before. He said to her, “Get up! Get out!”

16 “No!” she said to him. “Don’t send me away. That would be worse than what you have already done to me.”

But he refused to listen to her. 

• Our list has grown significantly. What other decisions or choices did characters make? Re-read the selection if necessary. Guide the group to include how Tamar makes decisions to express what she wants and then how people respond to her. Possible answers include:
  • Amnon asked food to be brought into the bedroom.
  • Tamar brought the food in and tried to feed it to him as requested.
  • Amnon grabbed Tamar and told her to go to bed with him
  • Tamar said “no”.
  • Tamar talked about the evil that would occur.
  • Tamar tried to come up with other solutions, like asking to be married.
  • Amnon did not listen to Tamar.
  • Amnon used his strength to rape Tamar.
  • Amnon sent Tamar away
  • Tamar expressed not wanting to be sent away

The story continues when Tamar’s brother and the king learn about what happened. Tamar pours ashes on her head and wails loudly in her distress.

2 Samuel 13:20-22

20 When her brother Absalom saw her, he spoke to her. He said, “Has Amnon, that brother of yours, forced you to go to bed with him? My sister, don’t let it upset you. Don’t let it bother you. He’s your brother.” After that, Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house. She was very lonely.

21 King David heard about everything that had happened. So he became very angry. 22 And Absalom never said a word of any kind to Amnon. He hated Amnon because he had brought shame on his sister Tamar.

• What other decisions should we add to our list? Possible answers are:
  • Tamar showed her distress through crying and ashes on her head.
  • Absalom dismissed the abuse as it was her other brother, silencing her.
  • Absalom moved Tamar to his house.
  • Absalom did not confront Amnon.
  • Absalom allowed hate to grow in his heart.

The story pauses here for two years, where the king and Absalom do nothing, but the story tragically ends with Absalom murdering his brother and running away, banished from the kingdom (2 Samuel 13:28-29).

• What final choices (including inaction) can we list from this ending? Possible answers are:
  • The king and Absalom chose to do nothing for 2 years.
  • Absalom murdered Amnon.
  • Absalom runs away.

Let’s review all the different decisions throughout this story. Read the list again.

• Which of these decisions involved one person violating another person’s will by force? Put a star next to decisions of violation. Amnon raped Tamar. Absalom murdered his brother, Amnon. Note: below we will point out more subtle abuse. Wait to expand.

• Think about Tamar’s will in this story. Which decisions reflect Tamar’s will? Underline Tamar’s will shown on the list. Possible answers include:
  • Tamar said “no”.
  • Tamar talked about the evil that would occur.
  • Tamar tried to come up with other solutions, like asking to be married.
  • Tamar expressed not wanting to be sent away
  • Tamar put ashes on her head and loudly was crying.

• After reviewing Tamar’s will, are there any other choices that violated her will? She wasn’t given honor in her culture through marriage. She was sent away. Nobody acknowledged the violation of her will through rape, neither Amnon or Absalom or the king. She was not permitted to mourn.

Remember that abuse causes harm to another person’s body, mind or heart. Tamar clearly states what she desires and both of her brothers violate her will for different reasons, injuring different parts of her.

We will explore her brothers’ choices and their impact in the next activity. It is important to note that many people who are violated are unable to express their will as clearly as Tamar, particularly children.

Often people in a weak position feel too scared, shocked, helpless or unworthy to express their own will when evil affects them. Abuse is particularly confusing because, just as in this situation, it is often done to us by somebody who knows us, such as a family member, a neighbor, or friend of the family.

Application/Activity

15 minutes

For our activity today, we will explore some different situations that occurred in our story that involved violating another person’s will, known as abuse. Some of these issues may be uncomfortable, so we will divide into groups of men and women. Allow the participants to place themselves in same-gender groups of 3-4 women or men.

Our story had 3 examples of abuse in them, where one person violated another person’s will:

1. Amnon raped Tamar and ignored her requests.
2. Absalom silenced Tamar and dismissed her abuse.
3. Absalom murdered Amnon.

Have the groups discuss these questions for each of the three situations described in the story:

1. Why would one person treat another in this way? Consider what motivated Amnom and Absalom.
2. How did each of these people violate another’s will (or remove the weaker person’s ability to decide)?
3. For the person who was violated, how might this experience affect their mind (thoughts and feelings), heart (the will—their ability to make good decisions in the future), and their body?
4. For the people who violated (Absalom and Amnon) another, how might this experience affect their mind (thoughts and feelings), heart (the will—their ability to make good decisions in the future), and their body? How did those actions invite evil to grow in themselves?

While the groups discuss, visit each one, listening to the discussion and responding to questions. If the discussion in some groups support some of these abusive practices, such as protecting the family’s reputation, take care not to express judgement or disgust. Instead, acknowledge their point of view.

However, ask some follow-up questions regarding the long-term impact of the abuse. For example, a woman who is silenced will not heal if she ignores the wrong done to her. Her wounds may develop profound shame, anger, helplessness and depression. She may treat others who are abused in the same way, failing to protect her own daughter in the future. You might say to the participants, “I wonder how this abuse will affect her ability to care for her own family later? I wonder if she will have the courage to address injustice? Etc.”

Some possible answers to each of the questions are:  

1. He selfishly wanted her; he had the power to do so; he felt he could not control himself; he thought it was his right.
2. Tamar tried to stop him, but Amnon raped her anyway; he used her body for himself; she exercised her will and refused him, but he forced himself anyway; he refused to respond to her pleas about ways to save her honor.
3. For Tamar who was violated: Mind (thoughts and feelings): She felt shame, regret, embarrassment and probably hated him too; when she moved to her other brother’s home she was isolated and lonely, perhaps feeling punished; she may have never been allowed to marry. Heart (will): She might choose to reject and hate herself out of shame and make poor life choices as a result; she might not choose to protect other girls from such circumstances because it seems “normal” to her. Body: Her body is injured; she might become pregnant; if the violence was significant, she might not be able to have children in the future.
4. For Amnon who violated another: Mind (thoughts and feelings): He was more entrenched in thoughts of evil and control of others. Heart (will): He would have a more difficult time choosing good for himself and others. Body: He would see his body as a force to control others instead of allowing freedom.

1. Absalom wanted her to feel better, not realizing that dismissing the abuse only worsened her harm; he may have wanted to protect his family’s honor; he wanted to deal with his own feelings rather than address his sister’s feelings and other harm directly.
2. Absalom violated Tamar’s desire to show her distress and draw attention to the fact that Amnon wrongfully abused her; he did not acknowledge the injustice nor try to gain justice properly on her behalf.
3. For Tamar, who was violated: Mind (thoughts and feelings): Tamar’s feelings were invalidated, causing them to grow and privately destroy her. Perhaps she felt punished by Absalom for Amnon’s act and grew to hate Absalom for not acknowledging what happened to her. She may begin to believe that is ok for a man to take what he wants and that she should not have justice. Heart: She may not believe she is worth being treated properly, refusing to fight for justice. Body: She may have to deal with a pregnancy isolated and alone.
4. For Absalom who violated anothe: Mind (thoughts and feelings): He was focused on family honor and revenge instead of listening to his sister, who was the one hurt. Heart (will): He reinforced thoughts of choosing revenge and anger. Body: He would see his body as a force to control others instead of allowing freedom.

1. Absalom wanted to satisfy his own anger over abuse and abused another person in revenge.
2. He killed Amnon, ending his life and removing him from the lives of those who loved him.
3. For Amnon who was violated: Mind: He no longer can reflect on his wrongdoing, nor repent. Heart: He no longer can care for his family and loved ones. Body: His life ended.
4. For Absalom who violated another: Mind (thoughts and feelings): He was focused on revenge. Heart (will): He reinforced thoughts of choosing revenge and anger. Body: He would see his body as a force to control others instead of allowing freedom and healthy protection.

When the groups are finished discussing together, ask the whole group these questions:

• Each of the adults in these situations might have chosen not to violate the will of another. Since Amnon desired his half-sister in an inappropriate way, how could he have controlled himself and dealt with his wrong desires? Accept answers. Possible answers: He could have accepted the limits to this relationship; he could turn his desire for her into a desire for her good and looked for opportunities to help her in truly loving ways; he could have asked God to help him with his feelings; he could have looked for another woman to be interested in that could be a marriage partner.

• What could Absalom have done rather than silence Tamar and dismiss her abuse? Accept answers. Possible answers: He could have listened to her pain and acknowledged how wrong it was for Amnon to abuse her; he could have joined her in anguish and letting others know what happened; he could have confronted Amnon; he could have gone to the king and asked him to punish Amnon properly.

• What could Absalom done to promote justice rather than murder Amnon?  Accept answers. Possible answers: He could have gone to the king and asked him to punish Amnon properly instead of allowing evil to grow over several years; he could have acknowledged that Amnon treated Tamar wrongly and how that also hurt him as her brother.

• What could the king, their father, have done to help this situation when he heard about it? Possible answers: The king could have addressed Tamar’s abuse the moment he heard about it, using his power to give justice instead of allowing Tamar’s wounds to worsen; Amnon to continue doing whatever he wanted and Absalom’s anger to grow.

• In some cultures, such as this one in the Bible, it is considered shameful to speak about serious wrongs that are done against a person’s will. How does staying quiet and ignoring a wrong increase the harm of the person who was hurt? The person hurt carries the shame, fear, anger, embarrassment, and consequences alone, deepening the wound.

A violated will produces shame, humiliation and self-hatred. When a person’s natural desire to protect their mind, heart, and body are disregarded, they develop wounds that can last a lifetime. When the wounds are disregarded by those closest to them or in the culture, it intensifies the pain and worsens the original injury

Caregiver Connection

5 minutes

As caregivers, we have the opportunity to teach our children to value their own will and honor the will of those around them. We may practice with them how to know the difference between sharing love or evil by asking questions, such as:

• Am I choosing good for another’s mind? Heart? Body?

• Am I choosing bad for another’s mind? Heart? Body?

Not only do adults need to train their children to use their wills wisely through good decision-making, but caregivers also need to use their own will responsibly. We should aim to choose what is good for others, not what we want for ourselves. This can be especially difficult if we see children as people who do not yet have choices and we may assume that our will is the same as their will.

We may take advantage of our children, neglecting what is best for them. For example, our need for money may lead us to make our children work instead of prepare for their future at school. When we feel angry and need to release our emotions physically or emotionally, we might choose to beat our children or destroy them with our powerful words. Finally, when we decide that our own sexual desires are more important than our child’s healthy development, we might cause immense damage physically, emotionally and mentally.

• How might child labor, physical abuse and sexual abuse impact a child’s body, mind and heart? Accept all answers. Possible answers are: Body—be in unsafe conditions that cause harm, unnecessary fatigue; Mind—lack opportunity to continue education, have the proper energy to learn, carry the weight of adult responsibilities they aren’t developmentally ready to handle; Heart—not feel they are worthy to pursue their own needs and dreams; uncertainty in their own decision making.

• Why might caregivers sometimes choose harm for their own children? Accept all answers.

Sometimes as parents we continue to raise our children the way we were raised, which might mean that we violate them in ways that hurt them. However, when we hear about new ideas and try them, allowing love to lead us, we will discover that our homes are more peaceful and prosperous, and our children thrive.

Reflection

4 minutes

Today we explored some uncomfortable situations that usually happen in secret and discussed how they affect people in harmful ways. Many families face issues like these and are unsure how to address them. Few caregivers wish to harm their children; in fact, most are doing the best they can to provide as good a life as possible for their children.

One of the first steps to making changes in a family is to simply acknowledge to yourself that problems exist. Perhaps there are issues in your family like the ones shared today, such as sexual or physical abuse, or children working at a young age. Or perhaps there are lesser issues, where powerful family members make all decisions for others, not teaching weaker members, such as children, to make their own choices and grow through experience. In a moment of silence, allow one such problem in your family to come to mind. Give a moment of silence.  

We can turn to God to give us a love bigger than ourselves to help us change and grow. God’s unconditional love accepts us as parents just as we are, no matter our family circumstances or mistakes that we or others have made. Take another moment of quiet and reflect on how good it is that a love exists that accepts you just as you are. Give another moment of silence.

When we grow in confidence of our own worth in spite of our mistakes, we gain the courage to face family problems and bring in new parenting practices. We will explore how this works in future lessons.  

Closing

1 minutes

The king’s family in our story today made many mistakes in how they cared for each other. What is one important value or action that can help you choose good for your family? Accept all answers. They might say to protect their family members; learn self-control, grieve with those who are harmed, acknowledge wrongdoing, etc.

Today we learned that a person’s decision-making and choice is a crucial part of who they are—every person’s mind, heart, and body are not meant to be violated by another but are instead meant to be respected. Pay special attention this week to how families might better respect one another in these ways.

Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum