Global Child Protection Parenting Curriculum

Year 2, Lesson 4: A Healed Garden: Releasing Control Over Children

`Time Needed: 50 minutes`

Garden Images:

African woman bending over a garden with a gardening tool — Africa

Latin American woman sitting in garden, gathering vegetables — Latin America & the Caribbean

South Asian woman working in a garden, holding a plant — Asia

Index

Teacher Preparation

Objectives

The caregiver will be able to:

Explore how “tilling the soil” is a picture of submitting our children’s growth to God’s leading.
Hear a Bible passage about releasing control and trusting God in raising children.
List child developmental stages through adolescence.
Explore how to trust God, releasing control and promoting responsibility as children grow.
Describe heart and cultural issues that prevent parents from releasing control over their children (multi-generational family issues, etc.).

Materials

Chalkboard and chalk
Garden image

Preparation

Read the lesson and reflect on how to teach it wisely.
Skim previous lesson. Prepare to have a quick review at the beginning of class.
Spend some time reading the verses from Proverbs that will be examined in this lesson. Ask yourself these questions:
- How am I trusting the Lord, depending on his understanding instead of my own and obeying him?
- In what way is this making my path smooth?

Introduction

5 minutes

Present the garden image once again to the participants. Ask them:

Name some ways a good gardener encourages healthy growth in their garden. Accept answers. Possible answers may include but are not limited to: weed it; water plants; protect plants from weather; protect from insects.
Do you know that caring for soil is one of the primary ways a gardener produces healthy plants with good produce? What are some ways a gardener cares for the soil specifically? Accept answers. Possible answers may include fertilize it; study and balance the chemicals; rotate plants in soil each year; till the soil.

Some gardeners say the soil is the most important part of growing healthy plants. In fact, sometimes you might have a healthy green plant that doesn’t produce flowers or fruit. This happens because the soil is unhealthy. One common practice used to promote healthy soil is turning it once or twice a year. This is referred to as tilling. Tilling allows air into the soil so water and nutrients can reach the plant’s roots. Tilling also protects the soil from weeds or other invaders that can damage plants.

In a similar way, we want our children to grow strong and healthy like plants. We want them to be well-behaved, do well in studies and excel in sports. But their behavior, like the exterior of a plant doesn’t always mean their “soil” or heart is healthy. If we want strong children, we must pay attention to our children’s hearts. Just as we don’t focus on the plant alone but care for the soil around it, we can’t look at a child’s behavior alone but must care for their heart as well. While it may be possible to control our child’s behavior—through discipline, control or even shame, we can’t control their hearts. We can’t make them love us or even desire to obey us. Tilling our children’s “soil” or heart requires a wisdom and power outside of us.

This parenting curriculum will give you tools to help encourage good behavior, but it will also help you consider how we can grow healthy and safe hearts. Today we will explore what it means to depend on God’s wisdom and power to change hearts.

In this lesson, you will:

Hear a Bible passage about releasing control and trusting God in raising children.
List child developmental stages through adolescence.
Explore how to trust God, releasing control and promoting responsibility as children grow.
Describe heart and cultural issues that prevent parents from releasing control over their children (multi-generational family issues, etc.).

New Ideas

15 minutes

One place we can find wisdom to grow healthy hearts is the book of Proverbs in the Bible. This book is recognized as one of the three primary wisdom books in the Old Testament (together with Ecclesiastes and Job). All these books give advice and insight into how a heart can be turned toward God and therefore toward true love. If we want the hearts in our family and community to be “tilled” and open to truth, we can learn from Proverbs.

Let’s look at two specific verses today to explore how we can increase our wisdom as caregivers.

Proverbs 3:5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways obey him. Then he will make your paths smooth and straight.

What three things do these verses tell us to do? Trust in the Lord will all our heart; not depend on our own understanding; obey the Lord in all our ways.

The first phrase tells us what to do. The second and third phrases tell us how to do it. And the fourth phrase gives us the outcome. Let’s talk more about each phrase.

The first phrase tells us what we must do. It says: “Trust in the Lord with all our heart.” What do you think this means? Accept thoughts. If this scripture is new, encourage them to consider that trusting God means we look outside ourselves to a love that is bigger than ourselves.

The second and third phrases tell us how we trust God. What do they say leads us to trust him? We trust him when we don’t depend on our own understanding but on his instead. We trust him when we obey him.

How do you think we can stop depending on our own understanding? Accept answers. Possible answers may include but are not limited to: we stop to listen to God’s voice and ask for his understanding; we grow in humility, recognizing our way of parenting is not always healthy; admit our mistakes and weaknesses; ask God to show us how to love our children, especially when we feel frustrated, angry or confused.

Does anyone have an example of a time you depended on God for parenting wisdom instead of depending on your own understanding? Allow answers. Consider giving an example from your life. Possible answers may involve a time when a caregiver felt anger for their child’s stubbornness and wanted to respond in frustration but asked God for patience; or a time when an adolescent made a poor choice and instead of choosing to criticize a caregiver listened to their teen and allowed them to conclude that it was unwise.

If necessary, read the verses again, then ask: What does the fourth phrase say the result will be if we trust the Lord, depend on him and obey him? He will make our paths smooth and straight.

Turn to a partner and discuss what you think it means to have a smooth, straight path in parenting. After a few minutes, come back together as a whole class and allow participants to share ideas. Possible answers may include but are not limited to ideas such as: we have peace even when circumstances are difficult; we have joy in our children and parenting instead of fear and anger; we have more confidence and less doubt in our decisions even if our children aren’t happy with our decisions.

Caregiver Connection

10 minutes

Parenting is a slow process. As caregivers, we might feel discouraged when our children don’t learn or grow as quickly as we want. We can feel frustration or anger when they make repeated mistakes. Just as plants grow slowly and need attentive care, so our children need patience and careful tending throughout their growth.

The smooth and straight path does not mean our children will always be well-behaved, and our parenting trouble-free. It means that God will give us hope, peace and direction. We can rest and trust him even in the confusing and hard moments knowing that he is with us and loves our family. We can make wise choices to protect our children even if we feel fearful about the future.

It is helpful to recognize the different growth stages of children so we can be reasonable about our expectations. Listen to the 5 primary stages:

Infancy (birth to 1 year)
Toddler (1 to 3 years)
Preschooler (3 to 5 years)
Childhood (5 to 11 years)
Adolescence or teenage (12 to 18 years)

Ask participants to stand (to promote some movement) and turn to a partner participant and do the following:

Name the 5 stages to each other.
Name the stage(s) of each child in your care.
Name one challenge you are encountering in one of the stages.

Come back together as a whole class.

Parenting practices change throughout the stages. In the infant stage, for example, caregivers do nearly everything for their child; they feed, clothe, bathe and carry them. But, by the time they enter the childhood stage, a child can do most of these for themselves. As children move through the stages, our expectations for them change. We give them more and more responsibility to care for themselves and those around them.

Let’s discuss some of the different expectations we have for children in each stage.

Let’s start with the infancy stage. What do we expect from infants? Accept answers. See below for answers.

We don’t expect much from infants. We only expect them to communicate what they need. We expect an infant to tell us when they need food, sleep or a diaper change through cries or smiles or body language. When a baby stops communicating, we should be concerned. If they stay silent and never cry, this could be due to caregiver neglect. When a baby never gets held or cared for, they often stop communicating their needs.

What expectations do we have for children in the toddler stage? Accept answers. Possible answers may include: feed themselves; put some clothes on; begin to communicate verbally or non-verbally with hand signals; help with simple chores like sweeping, sorting, organizing; tidying their own things.
What expectations do we have for children in the preschool stage? Accept answers. Possible answers may include: begin to take care of their own bodies; express their needs more verbally; begin to express feelings and ideas; improve their abilities to help with household chores.
What expectations do we have for children in the childhood stage? Accept answers. Possible answers may include: begin forming friendships, recognize right from wrong, understand consequences, use manners and treat others respectfully.
What expectations do we have for adolescents? Accept answers. Possible answers may include but are not limited to: we allow adolescents to make more decisions for themselves—what they wear, who they befriend, what they do with their free-time; we expect them to listen and obey quickly; they can support and contribute to the family and community with their skills; we expect them to communicate more clearly and emotionally support family and friends.

As a child moves through each growth stage, they learn to take more responsibility for themselves and those around them. Taking responsibility allows them to mature. As caregivers, we don’t want to keep them from learning how to do this.

We are sometimes tempted to take control when children make mistakes or fail to do things the way we would, but this is often a mistake that keeps them from healthy growth. For example, when we ask a child to do a chore, but they fail to do it correctly, we may be tempted to do it ourselves. Instead, the better choice is to patiently instruct them and ask them to try again. There is no need to be angry with them because we understand that they are learning and part of growth requires making mistakes, learning and practice.

When we fear our children are not learning fast enough, we take control. This prevents our children from learning and growing responsible. When we trust God, we release control and begin to give our children opportunities to make mistakes and learn greater responsibility.

Application/Activity

15 minutes

Let’s explore what it looks like to release control, trust God and receive his understanding as we parent children. We will examine some case studies from different growth stages.

1. Ask participants to get into groups of 3-4 participants.

2. Read each case study to participants, one at a time.

3. After each study, ask groups to discuss 2 questions:

What primary emotions does the caregiver express?
Does the caregiver take control or trust God? How does their choice affect the relationship with their child?

Case Study 1

Sarah returned home with a newborn child. For weeks she lived with her mother but now she returned to her family and faced a new challenge. After every feeding Sarah’s baby screamed for hours. Everyone in the family took turns trying to calm the baby but she continued to wail. Sarah felt guilty and feared there was something wrong with the baby. She was exhausted and impatient with her other children. Most days she yelled at them because they didn’t listen to her instructions and obey.

One day Sarah’s anger grew so big that she wanted to shake or hit her baby to stop the crying. She felt out of control and helpless. In this moment, a thought came to Sarah from many years before —"Seek wisdom from God, for he gives generously.” In silence, Sarah begged the Lord for this wisdom. That evening, as her daughter continued to scream, Sarah felt that she needed to take care of herself so she could be stronger to care for her child. She realized her baby was sad, but she assigned her oldest son to hold the baby while Sarah sat on her mat and took some deep breaths. She asked God to help her heart calm down. She cried tears of release. Even though her baby wailed, Sarah’s heart calmed down as she let God be with her.

Then she had a thought. One of her aunties in the village gave advice to new mothers. Sarah sensed a visit to Auntie would help. The next day, Sarah took a short journey to her aunt who had an immediate answer for Sarah. Auntie questioned Sarah about the food she was eating and determined that it was likely spicy foods that gave the baby a stomachache when they came through Sarah’s milk.

Invite groups to get together and discuss:

What primary emotions does Sarah express? Frustration, anger, impatience, exhaustion, guilt, fear.
Does Sarah take control or trust God? How does her choice affect the relationship with her child? Sarah takes control at first. She yells at her other children. She is tempted to harm her baby. But then she trusts God and takes time for herself to quiet her own heart. She “tills her soil” and allows God to bring an idea of wisdom.

Case Study 2

Navin’s toddler used to love to eat but now he refused to eat anything. He was saying “no” to many things each day. He didn’t want to put clothes on. He didn’t want to put shoes on. Each evening at dinner, Navin’s mother looked at Navin with disapproval. Navin felt embarrassed and ashamed he couldn’t get his son to obey. Now Navin was angry with his son for making him feel this way. He tried to force him to eat as he screamed and cried. He dragged him from the room and hit him in frustration. He believed punishment was the only way to stop this negative behavior. Navin had enjoyed his son before this stage, but now he felt resentment.

Invite groups to get together and discuss:

What primary emotions does Navin express? Frustration, shame, embarrassment, resentment.
Does Navin take control or trust God? How does his choice affect the relationship with his child? Navin takes control. He forces his son to eat while he screams. He drags him from the room and hits him. He punishes him to stop his behavior. Navin does not enjoy his son anymore.

Case Study 3

Talia’s 12-year-old granddaughter was excited because Talia was teaching her to prepare rice. Each week her granddaughter learned to cook a new food. Talia listed all the steps in the process, allowed her to watch and then instructed her to make the food. But when her granddaughter tried cooking for the first time and Talia left her alone, her granddaughter failed to follow all the instructions and let the rice burn.

Talia was frustrated. She imagined what might have happened. What if she had burned their home with her carelessness? What if someone had died? The fear grew anger in Talia. She felt foolish for allowing this to happen. She yelled at her granddaughter, “How will you ever succeed as a wife if you can’t even make rice!? Why can’t you be more like your sister. You are stupid and useless.” Talia’s granddaughter no longer wanted to cook with her grandmother. She withdrew and feared her. The excitement about learning was replaced with anxiousness and distance from her grandmother.

Invite groups to get together and discuss:

What primary emotions does Talia express? Frustration, fear, anger, foolishness.
Does Talia take control or trust God? How does her choice affect the relationship with her grandchild? Talia yelled at her granddaughter. She shamed her. She accused her of being incapable and spoke harsh words. This created a distance with her granddaughter and less joy in learning.

Each of these case studies reveals what is happening in the caregivers’ hearts. Sarah, Navin and Talia all felt frustration, fear or anger in their parenting. No caregiver avoids such feelings; it’s part of the challenge of parenting. Without shame, we can honestly admit them to God and others and allow them to help us. What matters most is how we respond to them. We don’t want to depend on our own understanding and let these feelings lead us to harm our children. Would it have been wrong for Sarah to beat or shake her baby? Yes! This is abuse. Instead, God invites us to depend on him in these difficult moments. We can trust him to show us wisdom and bring peace to our hearts. He wants to direct us and show us the way to go.

Many situations can bring up feelings such as frustration, anger, fear, embarrassment, shame, exhaustion and guilt. Turn to a partner and talk about the kinds of experiences that cause these feelings in you. Allow a couple minutes.

In each of the case studies, there was a desire for the caregiver to control their child. Sarah wanted her baby to stop crying and her other children to obey. Navin wanted to get his son to eat, and Talia wanted her granddaughter to cook well. All these were important desires but when they didn’t see the changes they wanted, each was tempted or tried to control their child.

What are some other reasons we desire to control our children? Have participants get into discussion groups. Invite them to think about the case studies or their own experiences.
- Parents or grandparents tell us how they handled similar situations and we don’t want to disrespect them.
- We fear our children’s misbehaviors will bring shame.
- We want respect from our children; when they reject our way, our ego is injured.
- Control feels active instead of passive.

Reflection

4 minutes

Every caregiver feels frustrated and angry when children don’t obey or when situations in parenting go poorly. God invites us to trust him and allow him to work in us and in our children. He tills the soil of our hearts and exposes our true feelings so we can bring those to him and others who care about us. He invites you now to name some of your frustrations and true feelings, even your temptations to control your children. He wants to listen to you and offer you the wisdom you need.

Remember that we don’t know exactly how God will speak to us. He may speak through the Bible, through another person or in the silence of our heart. But making space in each day to tell him we are listening and want his understanding will help shape our minds and hearts to depend more on him. Listen and ask God this specific question:

In what area of my parenting do you want me to release control and trust your wisdom so I can love my children more?

Allow participants to be silent for one minute as they reflect on the question. Encourage caregivers to continue to ask these questions in their daily lives.

Closing

We can’t always see how our paths will become smooth and straight. Most of the time they seem hidden and twisted. For this reason, we want to control. We fear a child might not become the person we want them to be. We don’t want to be fooled by them. We fear our relatives will criticize or judge us for parenting in a new way. Faith is believing that God is always at work and present with us, even when we cannot see how he is working.

When we make the choice to depend on God and obey him, we allow God to transform our hearts. We will grow in wisdom and slowly the soil in our hearts will get tilled. God will break up the weeds that can easily grow in our hearts and in our children’s hearts so that love can more fully grow, and our children can be secure.